ramblings

You can't help but think, is this supposed to happen? We all know things happen for a reason... even the bad things. It'll get better, right?

So many things I try for but it seems the end result is always the same. It doesn't give me much motive to try. God's in control, but he's not. He doesn't have the remote and he doesn't control us, but he puts up roadblocks and roads to lead us in the right direction... it doesn't mean that we always pay attention to them. We go our own way. When something bad happens we blame and when we're not blaming someone, we think why is this happening. So personally, I struggle for the answer why.

Why does my boss hate me?
Why can't I find the motivation for school?
Why does it feel like we're fallling farther apart?
Why do I care so much?

I'm trying to realize these things are here to help me grow as a person.

People say don't worry what others around you think...isn't that selfish?

I'm finding out where I am is not where i'm supposed to be. The worship band is not for me. It's not where i'm supposed to be. My goal and the goal of the worship band is basically the same... to worship. When I think worship music, and i mean stereotypical worship music, i think cliche words and chords made into music that say the same thing, repition. I just like praying before a meal, it's done so much it's easy to forget our main motive. I think it's okay to focus on the music just as much or even more than the words. That's why i don't belong in the worship band. I love playing though.

Grace make your way to the well,
To those who deserve it.
After all they've earned it.
But vain, it's in vain,
'Cause they don't need it.

A song by As Cities Burn, Awesome music, and lyrics that talk about the christian faith, but doesn't tell God what he is.

God is a father. To me that means someone to keep me in line, not someone i can tell my deepest secrets to. I'm not used to going to him (don't get offensive because I didn't put "Him") for help. I like feedback. I like someone saying "dude, that sucks." Prayer is hard, for me at least. I'm in my head a lot and sometimes that's all prayer feels like... God, to me, feels like my friends in New Jersey, I know they exist but i don't see them. God talks back through the bible. Lucky for me, I HATE reading. Even if i did it's a lot of stuff to read through. How do I know he's talking to me when this book was written more than 2000 years ago?

ramblings